Does this sound familiar?

• your partner asking you the day before a birthday party, ”What are we giving as a gift?” (implying that you for sure thought about something already)
• your partner mentioning “Just tell me what to buy” (implying that you for sure will create the shopping list)
• your partner asking in front of the wardrobe “Why don’t I have socks anymore?” (implying you should have washed it) 

If it does: Say hello to mental load! In this blog post we will cover: what mental load is, how you know if you are “overloaded” and which strategies you can use to create an equal share in a relationship.

All of the instances above are real life examples of what I experienced with my husband. We are together for more than 12 years, we share the same values and are convinced that men and women have equal rights and want to lead our lives as equals. Nevertheless, we also blundered into some traps, especially but not exclusively in the beginning of our relationship.

Mental load itself is not the problem, it simply describes the cognitive effort which you bring up to manage your work, relationships and your household. It only gets tricky, if one partner carries too much mental load and the other one might not be even aware that it exists. And, let’s be honest here… it is almost always the woman who is carrying this invisible load. 

Answer these five questions for yourself to check if you carry most of the mental load in your relationship:

1. Do you sometimes feel that you cannot do justice to the many roles you have?
2. Do you take up certain tasks in the relationship simply because your mother or grandmother has done that?
3. Do you often feel, if you don’t tell your partner exactly what to do, he will not do it the way it “should be”?
4. Do you sometimes feel overwhelmed by all the little details you have to manage and the decisions you have to take, during the day?
5. Do you sometimes feel stressed with all the tasks at hand?

If you answer all of these questions with “yes”, it is time to talk!

No, not with me, with your partner! Because not to talk about mental load and equal care, is sooner or later a recipe for disaster. Yes, you can complain a bit about your husband to your girlfriends but do not leave at that! Too often I think we, the women, are too passive when it comes to demanding an equal share. And by that I do not mean that every relationship needs to divide absolutely everything into 50:50, but it should be conscious decisions guiding you, and not some gender norms or (unconscious) belief sets. 

For me and my husband talking about it in a structured way, was the key to shaping our relationship in an equal way. And by the way, this is not just meant as a way to tell your  partner what he needs to do better (say goodbye to unhealthy perfectionism!)… it is a two way street. It needs effort to understand where the other person is coming from, what is guiding them and decide about strategies for the future. And it is never finished, we keep on having these discussions. I see this as a good thing though because this (hopefully!) makes sure we stay happy in the long run because we live in sync with our values.